


body of proof

by Askance



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Experimental Style, Gen, POV Multiple, Past Rape/Non-con, Rape Recovery, Sexual Assault, Sexual Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-26
Updated: 2015-06-26
Packaged: 2018-04-06 08:21:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4214805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Askance/pseuds/Askance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are things Sam hasn't told his brother. They're all in the envelope laid on Dean's pillow.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. post-it note, paperclipped

**Author's Note:**

> I don't think the tags do the triggers in this fic justice. Please be very careful if discussion of rape/sexual assault is difficult for you. Nothing on-screen here, but it's meant to be difficult to stomach, so be safe and exit out if you feel uneasy. <3

_Dean,_

 

_I'm not really sure what to say. I've been thinking about this for a really long time, and now that you're back—like, not-a-demon back—I don't know. I've been putting it off. I've been afraid of what you'll think. I don't want to talk about it, not out loud. Which is why I haven't, until right now. But you're back, and I might be wrong but I feel like we're getting—I don't know, somewhere, somewhere better than where we were._

 

_I think it's about time you knew._

 

 _I never told you because I knew it'd break your heart. And after all the shit we've been through I didn't think it was fair. But you're my brother, you know? And you're back, and I want us to be—you know._ _So I think that means it's time for this. I'm sorry. There are things I haven't told you. They're all in here, some way or another. There was a lot of hacking networks and calling in favors to get this stuff. I don't know. Maybe you'll understand some things a little better after._

 

_I trust you, I love y_ _ou._

 

_\- Sam_


	2. fifteen

**INCIDENT REPORT: 911 CALL TRANSCRIPT**

**DATE / TIME:** 04/19/99 01:12

 

**DISPATCH.** 911, what is your emergency?

**CALLER.** Hi, I need to report a, um, a disturbance at my residence.

**DISPATCH.** May I have your address, ma'am?

**CALLER.** [REDACTED]

**DISPATCH.** What seems to be the disturbance , ma'am?

**CALLER.** There's this kid in my yard. He set off the security light, he doesn't look so good.

**DISPATCH.** Could you elaborate, ma'am?

**CALLER.** Well, he's—I'm looking at him right now, he's out in the yard, kind of—I don't know, stumbling? He's got bruises—his whole face is bruised, he's bleeding a little. Um—I don't know, I think he's hurt.

**DISPATCH.** Could you describe him?

**CALLER.** Um—fifteen, sixteen, maybe? He's just a kid, like a high school kid. I think he's in shock. He's standing in our yard now looking at the street. God, oh, I feel horrible. Yeah, I think he's in shock, sir, I think you should send someone, the police or someone.

**DISPATCH.** A patrol car is en route to you.

**CALLER.** Shouldn't I—I mean, can I go out, can I help him? Is that dangerous?

**DISPATCH.** We recommend that you remain inside, ma'am.

**CALLER.** Well, please hurry, then. He's just a kid.

 

**END TRANSCRIPT**

**PROPERTY OF MASON COUNTY DISPATCH**

* * *

 

**POLICE REPORT Maysville Police Department**

 

 **Offense Case #** **Incident Type**

[REDACTED] OFFENSE

 

**Primary Offense**

SEXUAL ASSAULT

 

**Date / Time Occurred**

4/19/1999 21:00 to 4/19/1999 23:00

 

**Date / Time Reported**

4/20/1999 02:45

 

**VICTIM**

**Last Name      First Name      Middle Name      Nickname**

DOE JOHN

 

 **Race:** WHITE

 **Sex:** Male

**SSN:**

**Height:** 5'7”

 **Weight:** 124  
**Age Type:** DOB

 **Date of Birth:** [REDACTED]

 **Age:** 15

 

**Street Address**

UNKNOWN

 **City:** Maysville **State:** KY **Zip:** 41056

 

 **Student** **Employer/School:** Mason County High School **Occupation:** N/A

 

**Details**

**Work Phone:**

**Hours of Employment:** to

**Hair Color:** Brown

**Eye Color** : Green/Hazel

**Build:** Slim

**Ethnicity:** Non-Hispanic

**Injury:** Apparent Minor Injury

**Victim Condition:** Unk

**Victim Offender Code:** Victim Was Acquaintance

**Under Influence of Alcohol:** Unk

**Under Influence of Drugs:** Unk

 

 

 

**MAYSVILLE POLICE DEPARTMENT**

**INFORMATION PRELIMINARY**

**REPORT NOT FINALIZED**

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Maysville Police Department**

212 Government Street | Maysville, KY 41056

 

 

**TRANSCRIPT OF ALICIA ESTEVEZ'S INTERVIEW WITH JOHN DOE**

 

**NAME:** John Doe  **PHONE:** N/A  **BUSINESS:** N/A

**ADDRESS:** [REDACTED]  **DATE:** 04/20/1994

**REFERENCE TO: CASE NUMBER:** [REDACTED]

 

**OFFICER ESTEVEZ:** Can we bring you anything? Would you like some water?

**JOHN DOE:** [No response.]

**OFFICER:** Do you know why we brought you in with us?

**DOE:** [No response.]

**OFFICER:** Do you know where you are?

**DOE:** Yes.

**OFFICER:** You're not in any kind of trouble, do you know that?

**DOE:** [No response.]

**OFFICER:** [Refers to notes.] You...activated a security light on the We lch property at [REDACTED] at around 01:00. They were concerned—

**DOE:** [Abruptly.] Please, can I call my brother?

**OFFICER:** Of course. Absolutely. After that, will you tell me what happened to you?

**DOE:** [No response.]

 

DOE is given access to a station phone and makes a brief call. He is then escorted back into the interview room.

 

**OFFICER:** Alright. What's your name?

**DOE:** [No response.]

**OFFICER:** If you give us your name, we can help you.

**DOE:** [Pointing to report.] What does it say?

**OFFICER:** It says John Doe right now. John Doe isn't your name, is it?

**DOE:** [No response.]

**OFFICER:** Alright. John Doe. We can call you that for now, if you like.

**DOE:** [No response.]

**OFFICER:** John, do you think you could tell me how you got that bruise on the side of your face?

 

NOTE: DOE appears to have suffered extensive bruising to the left side of the face. Lips/knuckles are cut/skin broken. He appears to be in shock. Avoiding eye contact throughout the interview.

 

**DOE:** Got in a fight.

**OFFICER:** A fight? 

**DOE:** Yeah.

**OFFICER:** Because—well, here on the report, John, you told us you'd been raped.

**DOE:** [No response.]

**OFFICER:** Is that correct? Did someone assault you sexually?

**DOE:** [Quietly.] I want to go home, please.

**OFFICER:** Did you call your brother just now?

**DOE:** [No response.]

**OFFICER:** Is he on his way?

**DOE:** Yes.

**OFFICER:** Will you talk to me at least until he gets here?

**DOE:** [No response.]

**OFFICER:** Unless you say  _ yes,  _ we can't keep on talking.

**DOE:** Yes. 

**OFFICER:** Good. Thank you, John. I understand that you don't want to talk about this, but it would help us a lot in finding who did this if you can tell me what happened. You were raped. Is that correct?

**DOE:** I don't know. I think.

**OFFICER:** You think?

**DOE:** I think so. I think. Yeah.

**OFFICER:** Do you know who it was?

**DOE:** He goes to my school.

**OFFICER:** And that's—Mason County.

**DOE:** He's a senior. 

**OFFICER:** And his name is [REDACTED], is that correct?

**DOE:** [Nods.]

**OFFICER:** John, this was not your fault. You are a minor. This is known as statutory rape. Do you understand that?

**DOE:** [No response]

**OFFICER:** [Quietly.] I know this is unpleasant, but can you try to remember exactly what happened?

 

DOE is quiet for several minutes and does not move.

 

**DOE:** My dad, um—he drinks.

**OFFICER:** Yes.

**DOE:** And my brother, he works. So—my friend, from the school, she came by.

**OFFICER:** Yes.

**DOE:** She said—she was going to Mays Lick, to the old high school, the empty one. There was a party, or something. I don't remember. 

**OFFICER:** And you went.

**DOE:** [No response.]

**OFFICER:** And what happened at the party?

**DOE:** It wasn't—it wasn't really a party. It was just some older kids. I think they had beer. But she drove and I couldn't walk home from Mays Lick. I didn't know anybody. So I stayed with her.

**OFFICER:** And what was your friend's name?

**DOE:** [REDACTED].

**OFFICER:** What happened next?

**DOE:** This older boy, he tried to give me a beer. I took it. I didn't like it. But everyone else was, so I—

 

DOE is silent for several more minutes. Visibly shaken, continuing to avoid eye contact.

 

**DOE:** There was some music—I don't remember. I lost my friend. A few more people showed up. All older kids, seniors, I think—maybe some college kids. I wanted to leave, but I couldn't find [REDACTED], so I—looked for someone else I knew.

**OFFICER:** And you saw [REDACTED], is that correct?

**DOE:** He was kind of by himself. Not really talking to anybody. I thought maybe he could give me a ride home. He didn't look like he wanted to stay. I don't know. He's on the football team, I've seen him. He's in one of my classes. The advanced ones.

**OFFICER:** Did you speak to him?

**DOE:** I—went up and asked if he was heading out. His eyes were red. I think he maybe took something, I didn't see. He gave me another beer—he laughed, he said he was saving it for some girls, but—

**OFFICER:** Did you drink it?

**DOE:** [No response.]

**OFFICER:** [Quietly.] It's nothing to be ashamed of.

**DOE:** It didn't taste right, but I don't know—I don't drink, my dad does. So I followed him to his car—

**OFFICER:** Do you remember the make?

**DOE:** No. I'm sorry. I don't.

**OFFICER:** That's alright.

**DOE:** So—we got in, and he started driving back—towards Maysville. He told me to finish the beer, so I did. He told me to throw it out the window. I think he locked the doors or he did something because I couldn't roll down the window, I don't—I don't know. There was—

 

DOE is beginning to stammer and appears distressed.

 

**DOE:** He, um—there was this turnoff, I don't know where. I wasn't feeling good, I asked him to stop. So he did. I tried to open the door, I thought I might throw up. I was trying to open it and he—grabbed me, um, there was—this sort of open part, of the seat, and he pushed me into the back.

 

DOE pauses and attempts to regain composure.

 

**OFFICER:** You're doing great.

**DOE:** I want to go home now, please.

**OFFICER:** We can stop, if you like.

**DOE:** No. I—no. He—

**OFFICER:** You've been very brave. You don't need to tell me any more right now.

**DOE:** He—he. There was. He put his—his—his—

 

At this point DOE becomes unable to speak, except to ask for his brother. He continues to ask repeatedly for his brother until an individual arrives at the station. DOE identifies this individual as his brother. The individual confirms this as well and DOE is released.

 

NOTES: Recommend a call be placed to Child Protective Services (CPS) in the JOHN DOE Case # [REDACTED]. Recommend a follow-up interview within 24 hours.

 

 

OFFICER SIGNATURE:  _ Alicia Estevez _

 

 

**04/23/1999: NO CHARGES FILED.**

**UNABLE TO CONTACT JOHN DOE FOR FURTHER QUESTIONING. FAMILY APPEARS TO HAVE DEPARTED THE AREA.**


	3. ruby

From: *********@************.com

To: S. Winchester

 

 **Your Transcription File from** ************

July 24, 2014 at 12:16 PM

 

Mr. Winchester,

 

Please find your completed transcription attached to this email.

 

Thank you for choosing ************.com for your transcription needs. Feel free to contact us at (***)-***-**** with questions, comments, and feedback.

 

************

 

1 Attachment – swinchestervoicemailtranscript0708.docx

* * *

 

 

************ Transcription Services / 07-22-14

Client: S. Winchester

Transcription Request: Transcribe saved voice mails from audio recordings (07/08)

 

**Voicemail – Received 07/14/08 9:14 AM - From Contact R**

 

 **R:** Hey, it's me. Had to skip town to meet up with some of the downstairs crew in Kentucky. On my way back, let me know where you are. And hey, let's do that again sometime. [Laughter.] Haven't been fucked like that since the 1600s.

 

**Voicemail – Received 07/15/08 6:54 PM – From Contact R**

 

 **R:** I've called you like six times today. Are you gonna pick up? At least text me your coordinates. We have to talk, I've got info.

 

**Voicemail – Received 07/16/08 4:42 AM – From Contact R**

 

 **R:** What the fuck, Sam? You can't send a text like that and then not pick up when I fucking call you. _Pick up._

 

**Voicemail: Received 07/16/08 4:45 AM – From Contact R**

 

 **R:** You're being a child. We don't have time for this. I have info, you need info. I'm in Golconda. Give me an ETA.

 

**Voicemail: Received 07/16/08 9:33 PM – From Contact R**

 

 **R:** Hey. 9:30 and I haven't heard from you. Listen—we can talk about it. Don't turn it into something it wasn't, okay? It was just sex. I'm still in Golconda. You _need_ to come meet me.

 

 

* * *

 

07/17/08 R

 

Stop calling

 

You can't just disappear on me like that.

 

I can and I will

I don't want to see you right now

 

For fuck's sake

Are you seriously that hung up on it?

We're grown-ups, Sam, grown-ups fuck.

 

I didn't want it I told you that

 

Oh bullshit.

Your dick wanted it plenty

 

I was drunk. I wasn't thinking

 

What are you trying to say?

 

I don't know. I don't want to see you right now

 

Never pegged you for a prude.

 

Just keep your distance

 

Fine

* * *

 

07/23/08 R

 

You gonna talk to me now?

Sam

Are you serious?

* * *

 

07/24/08 R

 

I've got eyes on Lilith. Called you. Pick up

* * *

 

07/29/08 R

 

Why aren't you picking up?

If you're trying to punish me it's not funny

Ruby

At least text me back

* * *

 

08/02/08 R

 

Ok I get it. You're pissed at me

Ruby I need you to come get me

I don't feel good. I need more I think

Ruby, seriously

Call me, the phone screen hurts my eyes.

* * *

 

08/03/08 R

 

Ruby please pick up.

I'm sorry ok but I need more

I'm dizzy.

I'm outside Clay City. Super 8

Please come.

 

What do you want

I've been puking all morning. What do you want

Just come meet me I need more

* * *

 

08/04/08 R

 

Take it back

 

What?

 

Take back what you said and I'll come.

 

Take back what?

Please call instead the light hurts

 

Too bad. Say it and I'll come.

I'm not a fucking rapist, Sam

 

Ruby for God's sake

 

Fine

Good luck finding the good stuff

 

Wht do you want me to say?

Ruby

* * *

 

08/05/08 R

 

I feel like shit, ok is that what you wanted

I need more please come

 

Okay then say it

 

Why are you being this way??

 

I want an apology

Take it back.

 

You're being ugly

 

You're being a pussy

Take it back and I'll come.

 

Okay

Ok

Just please come I feel like Im dying

 

?

 

Jesus

Ok

I take it back

Now please come

 

Say you wanted it

 

Ruby come on

 

Say you wanted it

You know you wanted it so admit it

 

I didn't. I can't

 

Fine then the next time I see you you aren't getting jack

 

That's not fair

 

Life's not fucking fair

 

Fine

I wanted it

Im sorry

I wanted all of it okay

 

Don't believe you

 

I swear I wanted it

Please please come I'm begging you

I need it

 

Where are you

 

Clay City Super 8

 

Be there soon.


	4. checking in

08/26/09 Lindsey

 

 

Are you ok?

I'm so sorry about what happened.

I'm leaving town. I just need to know that you're ok.

 

is this keith or whoevver

 

Yeah

 

 

i don't want to talk to you.

 

 

I'm sorry.

 

i thought about going to the cops. i only didnt because i was scared.

i should have gone.

i dont know what kind of shit you're into but keep it away from me.

 

 

I'm sorry.

 

 

im fine, since you wanted to know.

 

 

I'm really really glad to hear it.

If there's anything I can do

 

 

there isnt

dont text me again ok. you kept me from getting hurt

and i appreciate it but you lied to me.

 

 

If you'll believe it I was trying to keep you safe.

 

 

well great job on that

 

 

I won't text anymore. Just wanted to check in

 

 

ok

 

* * *

 

 

09/21/09 (***)-***-****

 

 

hey is this keith

 

 

Who's this?

 

 

lindsey from garber

 

 

Sorry

I deleted your info, you said not to text again.

 

 

i know

listen i want to apologize

 

 

You don't have to

You were upset, you had every right to be. I get it

 

 

i was a cunt is what

i still dont get what happened or who the hell you even are

it was scary

what they did to you was scary

i think about it a lot

i never asked if you were ok

 

 

I'm ok.

 

 

you didnt look ok

 

 

It was scary for both of us.

 

 

i cant believe they did that to you

i have nightmares about it

still have bruises on my wrists

 

 

I promise I'm ok.

 

 

bullshit

i dont expect you to tell me anything but i know thats bull

 

 

I don't expect you to believe me on anything

 

they were fucking creeps

they made you drink blood??

i just wanted to say im sorry

anyway I hope you really are ok

 

 

I hope you are too.

 

you ever coming back?

 

I don't think so.

 

ok.

take care

 

You too.

 

* * *

 

10/16/09 (***)-***-****

 

is this keith

its weird but i miss having you around kind of

i dont even know if this number works anymore

* * *

 

10/29/09 (***)-***-****

 

if you dont want to talk to me i get it

or your phone's dead or you're busy

i still have nightmares but mostly theyre about you

* * *

 

10/30/09 (***)-***-****

 

i tried to talk to my sponsor about you

sorry if you dont want that

anyway i keep having nightmares

earth to keith??

* * *

 

11/01/09 (***)-***-****

 

i'd love to know that youre alive

* * *

 

11/17/09 (***)-***-****

 

i guess this number doesnt belong to anybody anymore

i keep thinking how scared you looked

they said you wanted it??

bullshit

ugh i wish youd check your damn phone

then again im pretty much nobody huh

i mean we never really knew each other

i wish i hadnt seen what they did

you looked so sad

you know something weird

i was kind of proud of you

* * *

 

11/18/09 (***)-***-****

 

ok I guess I shouldnt text so much

i'll stop

im sorry for what I saw

im sorry they did that to you

i think about it all the time

i dont have the bruises anymore so thats a good thing

i hope youre ok i hope you get help you need if you need it

idk

let me know sometime if youre still kicking

you can buy me that dinner sometime

take care of yourself


	5. scratching

**Northern Indiana State Hospital | Patient Records | PATIENT #[REDACTED]**

**March 25, 2012 | INDIVIDUAL THERAPY SES** **SION #489K**

 

**PRIMARY PHYSICIAN: Andrew Kadinsky**

**PATIENT NAME: Sam Smith**

 

**BEGIN AUDIO TRANSCRIPT**

 

 **KADINSKY:** Doctor Andrew Kadinsky, beginning individual therapy session number-four-eight-nine-K in the case of Sam Smith. Patient is believed to be suffering a psychotic episode and has been admitted to the locked ward at Northern Indiana State Hospital for treatment.

 **SMITH:** [Silence.]

 **KADINSKY:** How are we feeling today?

 **SMITH:** [Laughs.] Like I got hit by a car.

 **KADINSKY:** That's why you're here, isn't it?

 **SMITH:** I'm here because you think I'm crazy. And I guess I got hit by a car. You think I got hit by a car _because_ I'm crazy.

 **KADINSKY:** Isn't that correct?

 **SMITH:** I guess it is.

 **KADINSKY:** Do you think you're—“crazy,” Sam?

 **SMITH:** Not much else you can call it. I haven't slept in—what is it. A full week. You got that written down?

 **KADINSKY:** Why can't you sleep, Sam?

 **SMITH:** [A long pause.] Why do you think?

 **KADINSKY:** I think that you are suffering, and we don't know why. I think that I've never seen anyone's body resist the amount of sedatives we've given you. I'm interested to know what's going on in there, if you'll tell me.

 **SMITH:** [No response.]

 **KADINSKY:** We're here to help you, Sam. Do you believe that?

 **SMITH:** [Very quietly.] I don't think anybody can help me.

 **KADINSKY:** Why is that?

 **SMITH:** [No response.]

 **KADINSKY:** [Into recorder.] Note that patient is avoiding eye contact and appears to be looking into the corner of the room—

 **SMITH:** I can hear you.

 **KADINSKY:** Are you seeing something, Sam?

 **SMITH:** [No response.]

 **KADINSKY:** Visual and auditory hallucinations are very common—

 **SMITH:** [Softly.] He won't leave. I keep begging him to. He won't leave, he won't let me sleep.

 **KADINSKY:** Who won't leave?

 **SMITH:** [No response.]

 **KADINSKY:** Sam?

 **SMITH:** What does it say on those papers you have? What does it say is wrong with me?

 **KADINSKY:** [Sounds of paper moving.] Insomnia—hallucinations, visual and auditory. Irrational behaviour. Delusions—

 **SMITH:** Delusions.

 **KADINSKY:** Religious delusions, yes.

 **SMITH:** How do you figure?

 **KADINSKY:** [A long pause.] When you came to us you were under the influence of some kind of drug. As you came down you mentioned—[Sounds of paper moving.] You mentioned the Devil quite a bit.

 **SMITH:** [Silence.]

 **KADINSKY:** Do you see the Devil, Sam? Is he here with us?

 **SMITH:** Delusions.

 **KADINSKY:** Religious delusions, Sam. You know that the Devil isn't real, don't you?

 **SMITH:** [Silence.]

 **KADINSKY:** I don't mean to invalidate—

 **SMITH:** I'm crazy, right?

 **KADINSKY:** What do you mean?

 **SMITH:** I mean whatever I tell you—it's crazy talk, isn't it.

 **KADINSKY:** It's the fruit of a damaged mind, if that is what you mean.

 **SMITH:** I'm delusional.

 **KADINSKY:** You are sick.

 **SMITH:** [A long pause.] You want to hear about the Devil?

 **KADINSKY:** I would like to know what you think about the Devil.

 **SMITH:** [Silence.]

 **KADINSKY:** [Into recorder.] Patient continues to avoid eye contact and to look into the corner of the room. He is—Sam. Why are you scratching like that?

 **SMITH:** [Sounding distracted.] Hmm?

 **KADINSKY:** You've been scratching your stomach since we began.

 **SMITH:** Oh.

 **KADINSKY:** Is something wrong? How are you feeling?

 

[A silence of approximately four minutes fifty-four seconds before SMITH speaks again.]

 

 **SMITH:** [Distantly.] Sometimes—there was this garden.

 **KADINSKY:** Like the gardens here at the hospital?

 **SMITH:** [Laughs.] No.

 **KADINSKY:** What kind of garden?

 **SMITH:** Huge. Maybe it was more of a forest. But beautiful. And I knew it, like I'd been there before, maybe.

 **KADINSKY:** Where is this garden?

 **SMITH:** [No response.]

 **KADINSKY:** Alright. [Sound of pen on paper.] And what happens in this garden, Sam?

 **SMITH:** Sometimes—we'd be there. And he would make me lie down in the grass. I didn't want to.

 **KADINSKY:** Who?

 **SMITH:** The Devil.

 **KADINSKY:** The Devil.

 **SMITH:** But I laid down, because—I didn't have a choice. Not there. And he would peel open my skin, here.

 **KADINSKY:** Patient is indicating his stomach.

 **SMITH:** All of it. Like dry glue. And he'd scoop out—all my guts, my intestines, he'd put them in the grass, and then—[SMITH pauses.]

 **KADINSKY:** Patient appears to be fearful of the corner of the room. Sam?

 **SMITH:** He'd turn into this snake—don't look at me like that.

 **KADINSKY:** Like what?

 **SMITH:** Not you.

 **KADINSKY:** The Devil turned into a snake.

 **SMITH:** Yes.

 **KADINSKY:** And what did the snake do?

 **SMITH:** Came inside.

 **KADINSKY:** What do you mean by that?

 **SMITH:** [Uncomfortably.] He curled up inside. Where my organs used to be. I didn't want—to make room for him.

 **KADINSKY:** In the garden.

 **SMITH:** Yeah.

 **KADINSKY:** [Sound of pen on paper.]

 **SMITH:** You don't believe me.

 **KADINSKY:** I believe that you believe this.

 **SMITH:** Religious delusions, that's what I've got?

 **KADINSKY:** I believe so.

 **SMITH:** There was more.

 **KADINSKY:** Would you like to tell me more?

 **SMITH:** [Hesitating.] I don't know if I can.

 **KADINSKY:** Would you like to stop for today?

 **SMITH:** Don't look at me like that.

 **KADINSKY:** Sam?

 **SMITH:** Don't look at me like that.

 

**END AUDIO TRANSCRIPT – 03/25/2012**

* * *

 

**Northern Indiana State Hospital | Patient Records | PATIENT #[REDACTED]**

**March 26, 2012 | INDIVIDUAL THERAPY SESSION #497K**

 

**PRIMARY PHYSICIAN: Andrew Kadinsky**

**PATIENT NAME: Sam Smith**

 

**BEGIN AUDIO TRANSCRIPT**

 

 **KADINSKY:** Doctor Andrew Kadinsky, beginning individual therapy session number-four-nine-seven-K in the case of Sam Smith. Patient continues to suffer from insomnia and auditory-visual hallucinations. Patient has specifically requested this session.

 **SMITH:** [Silence.]

 **KADINSKY:** How are we today, Sam?

 **SMITH:** He keeps telling me not to talk about it.

 **KADINSKY:** Who?

 **SMITH:** Him.

 **KADINSKY:** [Sound of pen on paper.] The Devil. Are you still seeing the Devil?

 **SMITH:** He says it's our secret.

 **KADINSKY:** What is?

 **SMITH:** The—garden. And all of it. [Abruptly.] My records, they still say religious delusions?

 **KADINSKY:** Yes. Why?

 **SMITH:** I'm crazy, right?

 **KADINSKY:** As I told you at our last session, Sam, you are very sick.

 **SMITH:** You don't believe a word I say.

 **KADINSKY:** It doesn't matter that I believe it.

 **SMITH:** It only matters—that I do.

 **KADINSKY:** Exactly.

 **SMITH:** He keeps saying not to talk about it. I want to talk about it.

 **KADINSKY:** Talk about what, Sam?

 **SMITH:** What he did.

 **KADINSKY:** The Devil?

 **SMITH:** When I was—yes.

 **KADINSKY:** You've met the Devil, is that what you're saying? You believe this?

 **SMITH:** Yes.

 **KADINSKY:** Could you tell me about the garden again?

 **SMITH:** No.

 **KADINSKY:** That's fine. That's fine. What would you like to talk about? [A pause.] Patient appears to be hearing—

 **SMITH:** He got in my throat somehow.

 **KADINSKY:** Your throat.

 **SMITH:** Things work differently there. He got in my throat. He took—he took my _no._ I couldn't say _no,_ no matter how hard I tried. It was like I didn't know how to say it. Like I'd never learned how to say it. He said— _you gave me_ yes _once. Yes is forever._

 **KADINSKY:** You lost the ability to say “no”? Physically?

 **SMITH:** [Voice becomes hard, as if SMITH is containing emotion.] He replaced it. I don't know how. When I tried to say _no_ it came out— _yes._

 **KADINSKY:** In the garden?

 **SMITH:** No. No.

 **KADINSKY:** [Sound of pen on paper.]

 **SMITH:** [Dully.] It was rape.

 **KADINSKY:** [Startled.] Rape?

 **SMITH:** He raped me. It was his favourite thing.

 **KADINSKY:** [Sounding concerned.] Who raped you, Sam?

 **SMITH:** The sna—[Silence.]

 **KADINSKY:** When did this happen?

 **SMITH:** [Softly.] Always. Always. It was his favourite thing.

 **KADINSKY:** [Silence.]

 **SMITH:** [Soft, but level.] I think he liked it, when I tried to tell him _no,_ and all I could say was _yes_. Yes, yes. Yes, don't do this to me, I don't like it. Yes, please, stop. It got me confused—I was scared all the time—

 **KADINSKY:** [Quietly.] How long did this go on, Sam?

 **SMITH:** Forever.

 **KADINSKY:** More than once?

 **SMITH:** Forever. I think. You lose track. Don't look at me like that.

 **KADINSKY:** Like wh—Sam.

 **SMITH:** Not you. I'm telling him. I'm telling him. I deserve to tell him. Don't look at me.

 **KADINSKY:** Patient is addressing the corner of the room—

 **SMITH:** You knew it was the _worst thing._

 **KADINSKY:** Sam.

 **SMITH:** I can still talk. I'm not crazy. I'm telling him.

 **KADINSKY:** Sam.

 **SMITH:** [Abruptly.] I guess he got bored—he gave my _no_ back just so he could hear me—hear me screaming it. He said—it felt lonely, when I wasn't screaming—

 **KADINSKY:** Patient is becoming agitated—has resumed scratching his stomach.

 **SMITH:** I'm done. I want to go.

 **KADINSKY:** Alright.

 

**END AUDIO TRANSCRIPT – 03/26/2012**

* * *

 

**Northern Indiana State Hospital | Patient Records | PATIENT #[REDACTED]**

**March 26, 2012 | INDIVIDUAL THERAPY SESSION #499K**

 

**PRIMARY PHYSICIAN: Andrew Kadinsky**

**PATIENT NAME: Sam Smith**

 

**BEGIN AUDIO TRANSCRIPT**

 

 **KADINSKY:** Doctor Andrew Kadinsky, beginning individual therapy session number-four-nine-nine-K in the case of Sam Smith. Patient has specifically requested this follow-up session. Sam? Are you feeling better now?

 **SMITH:** Tired.

 **KADINSKY:** We can end these sessions at any time, Sam. You're not obligated to come to them, do you understand that?

 **SMITH:** I need to tell. I need to tell you.

 **KADINSKY:** [Sound of pen on paper.] Sam—have you told anyone else about the—rapes that you described to me?

 **SMITH:** No.

 **KADINSKY:** You didn't seek to report them.

 **SMITH:** [Laughs.] No.

 **KADINSKY:** May I ask why you have decided to tell me?

 **SMITH:** [Sighs.] Because you think I'm crazy.

 **KADINSKY:** I'm sorry?

 **SMITH:** He's here, he's—[Sighs.] He's always here.

 **KADINSKY:** Patient has acknowledged the corner of the room.

 **SMITH:** I just want to go to sleep.

 **KADINSKY:** If our talks can lift some of the stress from your mind, Sam, you may be able to.

 **SMITH:** He never let me sleep. He said I wasn't built to sleep. He said I was built for him.

 **KADINSKY:** For him—in what way?

 **SMITH:** [Uncomfortable, clearly upset.] To hurt, and play with. To—fuck. Said I was his.

 **KADINSKY:** The person who raped you.

 **SMITH:** He liked—the hurt. He liked seeing me bleed. I told you he liked me to scream, but—he liked—

 **KADINSKY:** The rape.

 **SMITH:** [Loud exhale of breath.] Yes.

 **KADINSKY:** Do you understand that it was not your fault?

 **SMITH:** [Silence.]

 **KADINSKY:** [Quietly.] Sam, we don't judge our patients. I am here to help you, if I can.

 **SMITH:** [Very softly.] You can't help me.

 **KADINSKY:** [Quietly, into recorder.] Patient is beginning to cry. Sam?

 **SMITH:** He liked it—best of all—when I stopped fighting—

 **KADINSKY:** Sam, you don't need to continue.

 **SMITH:** [Clearly distressed.] Sometimes I just—laid there—and I tried to think about going home—

 **KADINSKY:** Patient is scratching himself again.

 **SMITH:** I just wanted to go home—I want to go home—

 **KADINSKY:** Sam, our session is over now.

 **SMITH:** [Tearfully.] Don't look at me. Please stop looking at me.

 **KADINSKY:** [Sounds of papers moving; faint beep.] I need Marcus in here, please.

 **SMITH:** [Almost unintelligibly.] I want to be dead.

 

**END AUDIO TRANSCRIPT – 03/26/2012**


	6. life without

**[Locked] Blog Entry | armywidow80 | Life Without**

 

**November 16**

**2:45 PM**

 

It's been so hectic around here, there hasn't been time to write at all! But I figure I owe those (five) of you who keep up with this blog an update—

 

S and I are painting the new house. Couldn't decide on a color so we went with this kind of creamy thing. It's nice, it keeps it bright—we need it bright. Went furniture shopping today but all we could afford was the bed. He's quiet, but then he's always been quiet. I think he's got his brother on the brain. God knows I've got Don on the brain. Every time we walk in past the front hall I think, maybe this'll be the time that it feels like _our_ house, and not an empty one. No one died here but I get the feeling that it's haunted. S says that's crazy.

 

Here's a funny thing. Some easy TMI for you. Sex with S is strange. Not to say it's not great, because it is. We're both a little funny about it—me, because, well, I'm still married, aren't I, sort of, in my brain at least—but I don't know about him. Something sort of grips him, I think. He doesn't let himself go. Maybe I'm imagining it. But sometimes I feel like it's all about me, that he doesn't want to feel good, even though _I_ want him to. I mean, I like the guy. (I love the guy.) It's only fair, right? Isn't that what sex is supposed to be? But he gets back in his head and I can't pull him out again.

 

Last week he threw up after. He said it was the takeout. I'm trying to believe him.

 

Riot loves the new house. Watching him barrel around it—just about the only thing that'll get S to laugh. I know he's got his brother on his mind, now that I'm thinking about it. I know how hard it is.

 

Catch me up, kids.

 

    * **armywidow80**




 

 

**Comments**

 

**polska9645**

**7:56 PM**

 

congrats on the house!!! jim and i are thinking about a new place now that the kids are starting to come up. youll give us a virtual tour when the painting's done, i hope.

 

weird about S. hope things improve. moving can be a stressful time

 

 

 

> **armywidow80**
> 
> **8:13 PM**
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks Abby! We have to find a way to keep Riot from chewing on the baseboards, ha ha. As for S, we might have a talk soon. It worries me is all.

 

 

**aarmybabe6**

**7:59 PM**

 

Sorry to hear about S. Have you talked to him at all?

 

 

> **armywidow80**
> 
> **8:15 PM**
> 
>  
> 
> Not yet. I'm not sure how to bring it up.
> 
>  
> 
> **aarmybabe6**
> 
> **8:23 PM**
> 
> Sick maybe? That's the only time Leah won't give it up lol
> 
>  
> 
> **armywidow80**
> 
> **8:26 PM**
> 
>  
> 
> If he was sick I think he'd tell me. Then again I just don't know.
> 
>  
> 
> **aarmybabe6**
> 
> **8:28 PM**
> 
>  
> 
> Well keep in good spirits.

* * *

 

**[Locked] Blog Entry | armywidow80 | Life Without**

 

**November 19**

**3:19 PM**

 

Day off from the clinic. S doing odd jobs across town.

 

We talked, but we didn't talk for long. S was very guarded about the whole thing. He said he's scared of “getting lost.” I asked what that had to do with sex. He said just about everything.

 

Starting to think there's something he hasn't told me. There's a lot he hasn't told me, for sure, about where he came from, who he used to be, and I don't care, I like him now, where he is, with me. I think he's happy enough. But there are a lot of secrets with him. I hope someday he'll trust me enough to spill them.

 

Dad's coming down soon, hoping he'll warm up to S when they meet face to face.

 

Something else I realized. It's only ever me who asks for it. Sometimes it just _happens,_ of course. But when it's less spur-of-the-moment, it's always me. I think S would be happy never to have sex again in his life. I worry so much.

 

Catch me up, kids.

 

    * **armywidow80**




 

**Comments**

 

**aarmybabe6**

**3:45 PM**

 

How's the move? And S, smelling Freudian.

 

 

> **armywidow80**
> 
> **3:50 PM**
> 
>  
> 
> Move is good. Living room is still full of boxes. I always forget you've got that degree, ha ha.
> 
>  
> 
> **aarmybabe6**
> 
> **3:53 PM**
> 
>  
> 
> Really though, being scared of sex isn't normal.
> 
>  
> 
> **armywidow80**
> 
> **3:55 PM**
> 
>  
> 
> It's not that he's scared of _sex_ so much I think. More that he's scared of feeling it, or liking it.
> 
>  
> 
> **aarmybabe6**
> 
> **3:56 PM**
> 
>  
> 
> Scared of liking it?
> 
>  
> 
> **armywidow80**
> 
> **3:57 PM**
> 
>  
> 
> Let's just say I always get mine but more often than not he doesn';t get his and I don't think it even bothers him.
> 
>  
> 
> **aarmybabe6**
> 
> **4:02 PM**
> 
>  
> 
> Not to be insensitive but he cant keep it up??
> 
>  
> 
> **armywidow80**
> 
> **4:04 PM**
> 
>  
> 
> He can. But as soon as I'm done, we're done. And then he gets real—far away, I guess.
> 
>  
> 
> **aarmybabe6**
> 
> **4:05 PM**
> 
>  
> 
> Weird.

* * *

**[Locked] Blog Entry | armywidow80 | Life Without**

 

**November 21**

**11:16 AM**

 

Dad's on his way, should be here in the afternoon. S is home helping me clean up. **polska9645** , get your hubs to clean someday, stand back and watch—beautiful thing!

 

Well, S and I haven't talked about it any more. It'll be a while until we get the house to ourselves again since Dad will be here so we tried last night. It was the same deal. I just wanted us to have fun, thought it might be nice to try up top for once, but as soon as I did he freaked out. Well, maybe freaked out isn't right. Just kind of froze on his back. Closed his eyes really tight. I asked him what was wrong and he didn't say anything. It scared me, it upset me. We stopped. Woke up this morning around 3 AM and heard him breathing kind of weird in the bathroom but when he came out he said I must've been dreaming that.

 

When Dad's gone I think we might go see someone. Whatever he's not telling me is serious. What I heard last night sounded like a panic attack and I'm not equipped to deal with that on my own. I feel horrible. I thought we were moving forward but I guess you've always got one foot stuck in the mud behind you.

 

    * **armywidow80**




 

**Comments**

 

**8596739573**

**12:14 PM**

 

****FREE!!!! VISIT LINK *********.COM WIN FREE!!!! IPADS IPODS FLAT- SCREENS YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED!!!! VISIT *********.COM TO WIN NOW

 

**aarmybabe6**

**12:20 PM**

 

Ames this sounds like sex trauma to me. Are you OK?

 

**polska9645**

**12:21 PM**

 

i hope you and S are ok sending prayers.

* * *

 

Google Search History Data | armywidow80@*****.com | Nov 21 2012

 

Searched for **sex and trauma**

Searched for **sexual trauma**

Searched for **symptoms of sexual trauma**

Searched for **sexual trauma support**

Searched for **support groups**

Searched for **kermit tx support groups**

Searched for **statute of limitations sexual assault**

Searched for **kermit tx sexual assault survivors support groups**

Searched for **sexual trauma signs**

Searched for **ask if someone has been assaulted**

Searched for **how to ask if someone has been assaulted**

Searched for **sex trauma psych**

Searched for **care for trauma patient**

Searched for **care for sexual trauma patient**

Searched for **talking about assault**

Searched for **tips talking about assault**

Searched for **rape survivors care**

Searched for **rape trauma syndrome**

Searched for **significant other trauma**

Searched for **diagnosis trauma**

Searched for **sex repulsed trauma**

Searched for **rape flashbacks**

Searched for **support groups kermit tx**

Searched for **rainn**

Searched for **rainn men**

Searched for **victims of rape male**

Searched for **yahoo answers**

Searched for **is it my fault**

* * *

 

**[Locked] Blog Entry | armywidow80 | Life Without**

 

**November 22**

**1:29 AM**

 

Got a call about Don. I don't know what to do. I woke up and S was gone. His stuff is still here, I think he went to get some air. This is gonna ruin him. Fuck

 

**Comments (Disabled)**


	7. dean (february)

**CL** salina  > personals > missed connections             **go**

 

**reply            prohibited**

 

 

**i** **have to tell you – m4m**

 

We have to talk about this. You have to shut up and listen. I know you won't and it's driving me up a fucking wall. So here's this. You won't see it, and I don't know if that's because you won't look or because you're not capable of listening.

 

What you did to me was wrong and you have to understand that. You know, I get it. It's never been done to you. You've managed to stay out from under all that shit and God I couldn't be happier about it. Because it's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I don't have words to tell you how much it hurt. When I came to, when it was all gone (when he was all gone), when I figured it all out, all I could think was that I wasn't sad or angry. I was just empty. Like somebody had opened up my stomach and taken all my organs o ut. I didn't feel anything. There was just this hole. You held me down and let something come inside of me. You knew I didn't want it and you did it anyway. You tricked me. I couldn't understand it. I still can't. I can't understand how you of all people could do that.

 

You don't know this but that year that I was gone sometimes he came to me looking like you because he knew it would hurt the most. But he never got why it didn't hurt the way he wanted. It was because I could go back in my head and know for certain that it wasn't real because you'd never do that to me, never in a million years. I would think, He'd never do this to me. He'd never hurt me this much. It was such a comfort back then. It was the only comfort I ever had and you're grinding it into my face.

 

Thank God you've never felt this exact horrible way. Thank God this has never been done to you. And if it has, and you never told me, tell me now, the way I can't tell you.

 

You have no idea how much of a betrayal it was and I don't think you ever will. This person who has protected me my entire life, hurting me, on purpose. Selfishly. And the stupid goddamn irrational thing is that I can't hate you even though it was absolutely unforgivable. Here I am, wanting to forgive you. I love you that much. But you have it in your head that I don't love you at all. All because I will jump into Hell a thousand times if it keeps you alive but I will never make you live against your wil l.

 

You need to understand that this is such a familiar hurt that it hardly even registers and there's a problem there. You need to understand that when it comes to this body which I hardly ever own, what I want matters. It matters more than how shit-scared you are of being alone.

 

You and me, we're sick. They talk about vicious cycles and I can't think of a cycle more vicious than ours. But every other time it's been a sacrifice of self and now—this isn't us, and I don't know why that doesn't terrify you the way it terrifies me. I'm okay with being sick if we're on the same level. Right now we aren't. You're drinking in the other room and I'm posting to goddamn Craigslist because  i t's easier to talk to a void that can't hear than to a void who won't listen. 

 

Understand that you broke the rules because that's what we do. Understand that you crossed a line. Understand that I will work with you to be better but you have to be quiet for a while. Understand that if I loved you any more I think I'd crumble apart. Come in here and stop trying to pretend that we can get past this if we ignore it long enough.

 

I miss super-gluing your hands to beer bottles. I miss driving for days to hit a concert for a group we don't even like. I miss you and I don't know where you went

 

 

  * do NOT contact me with unsolicited services and offers




 

 

post id: **********            **email to friend             best of**


	8. present

Sam doesn't notice him, standing in the doorway, the envelope in his hand, until he's finished reattaching the straps to the sling on his arm.

 

It's been a long week. A good week. The kind of week they've needed. Taking time off, resting up, learning the expressions of one another's faces again. Right now somehow Dean can't even reach as far back as this morning in his mind. Can't remember what they had for breakfast. He feels as if the weight of his brain has been stuffed into the envelope in his hand. His head is empty except for some kind of blank backwards emotion he can't describe quite yet.

 

When Sam sees him, in the natural turn of his heel towards the hall, he stops. He's smiling—constantly smiling, the last few days, as if every glimpse of Dean, real and in the flesh, is an occasion for joy—and he smiles for an instant in Dean's direction until he recognises the look on Dean's face and the thing in Dean's hand.

 

His smile shrinks. His eyes drop like weights.

 

Dean watches him swallow. He's got the look on his face that means he has something to say but can't figure out how to say it.

 

Dean knows the feeling of a pounding heart, but what's happening in his chest right now is something new. Like he's calcified, a stone in his breast. He knows somewhere deep in the burning in his tear ducts that he's going to lose it, and fast. And Sam, whose fingerprints might as well be screaming from the surface of the envelope whose contents he's been reading for the last hour, is looking at the floor.

 

There was a clock in this bedroom when they moved in. It ticks over. It's somewhere in the nighttime.

 

“So,” Sam says, with a killing softness.

 

Dean holds the envelope in two hands, comes inside. It gets pressed up between them when he puts his arms around his brother and buries his face into Sam's shoulder, gripping him too tight.

 

He feels Sam's hands on his waist. They're steady. He thinks, _fuck. How on earth._ It's dark pressed into the fabric of Sam's shirt, the soft V-neck he wears to bed, the strap of the sling digging into Dean's nose, the familiar brother-smell of Ivory soap and stolen motel shampoo.

 

The envelope falls out from between them onto the cold floor. Paper spits out like white tongues.

 

Dean feels Sam's face meeting his own shoulder, Sam's breath a warm spot on his chest.

 

“You didn't tell me,” Dean says. Here it comes. Tears rising in hot streaks. He wants to shake apart in guilt and hate and sadness. “Fuck, Sammy—I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. Jesus, I'm so sorry.”

 

Sam's hands rest on his hips. Strong, alive. And forgiving, in their way.

 

Sam doesn't say a thing.


End file.
